Mountain Practice

After the first year of training for ordination we are individually assigned to lead the group in meditation or contemplation or to perform a ritual.  In the Tendai tradition there is great emphasis on getting these right, and in some cases we are evaluated by our teachers immediately afterward.  Reaching this stage of training I found myself very concerned about not making mistakes.  Inevitably, I would make them and simultaneously experience a sharp emotional reaction.

One day I was assigned a long series of these tasks with the last being the most important — performing Evening Service.  As the day progressed I kept making mistakes with the usual reaction following.  By the afternoon my mind was filled with mistakes to the exclusion of everything else.  I began thinking ahead to Evening Service with dread.  I knew I had to do something to get my emotions out of the way, but try as I might nothing helped.  And so fear attached to the next fear bringing me to a very unskilful state of mind.

About two hours before Evening Service I was in the temple.  It was quiet, except for the turmoil in my mind.  I walked to the front and set my gaze on the image of the Medicine Buddha extending the jar of medicine with one hand and offering reassurance with the other.  I stood there for a few minutes just looking at the statue.  Then, out of nowhere, the words “Who are you doing this for?” came into my mind.  And almost automatically I thought, “For all sentient beings.”  The anxiety was gone.

When I performed the Evening Service that day I was intensely focused, not on what I was doing but rather on why I was doing.  I made mistakes but I was nevertheless successful in accomplishing my task.

Gassho.